1/20/12

Transformers Dark of the Moon (Spoiler Warning!)

By: 14th Lord


This movie was just bad. it was so bad that it was bad bad. It was take a drill to the head bad. It was so bad that I was in so much physical pain from watching the first hour of the movie that I had to get up, stop the movie, and just take a break for a few hours from it. And people say this is BETTER than Transformers Revenge of the Fallen?! NO. JUST NO. Bad Monkey, bad!

First off, I have to say I hate movies with long titles. Even the abbreviation of these movies are long. T:ROTF and T:DOTM. I can understand the temptation to make longer titles, but come on, keep it down! It's just so needlessly long, especially when the whole "Dark of the Moon" aspect is such a minor and pointless note. How about Transformers Dark Side? That would have a double meaning, to the moon and the revelations, which by the way in itself, MAKES NO SENSE.

I really don't want to remember this movie too much so I'm going to just skim it. Beware of spoilers ahead.


We start off seeing Shia LaBeouf playing a loud, obnoxious, spoiled and shallow bastard of a human being, named Sam. This is where I'm curious where it was decided to make this character as LOUD and OBNOXIOUS as possible, and focus on him for the FIRST FUCKING HOUR OF THE MOVIE. The First hour was 90% Sam and his hot blond bimbo of a girlfriend and their non-existing pretentious relationship.


Let me focus on his girlfriend Carly Spencer, played by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. First off, I hated the actresses accent. I hated her appearance. I hated her role. I hate her lines. I hated her. There was NOTHING redeeming about her as a actor or a character, and she just made me pine for Megan Fox. I don't know if it's the acting or the directing that led to this, but Megan Fox's character, while being a generic bitch, has a sparky attitude, and seemed very strong, independent, and likable. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who's name by the way I freaking hate, just screamed "LIKE ME LIKE ME" all through out the movie, coming off as if everyone's supposed to find her gorgeous and likable, but failed so hard at it. I just hated everything about the character and actress, which is surprising since I usually NEVER dislike a character from hating a character they play.

So basically the first hour of the movie is Shia LaBeouf acting as a obnoxious, rude, loudmouth bastard for the first movie, being upset he's not instantly being hired for top paying jobs, fresh out of college, for his amazing major in accounting. Really. This is honestly the dilemma for the first hour of the movie, him getting a job, being a jealous prick, and acting like a jackass.

Then as we watch the compelling story of Sam and his never ending quest to find a job, we get short quick moments of Transformers acting like idiots. Not even the funny kind, just the sad kind. I thought it was face palming amusing that Optimus went into timeout after discovering a autobot ship was discovered crashed on the moon. Seriously. He transforms into a car, and just sits there refusing to talk to anyone until someone comes up and asks why he so saaaad.

He's in his special place and he's not coming out.

There, first half of the movie, summed up. Sparing you the painful moments of Deep Wong taking off his pants with Sam in a bathroom stall. Deep Wong, Get it? Like Deep Throat! The informant, not the... well, other thing. Yeah it wasn't funny when he explained it either. Another pointless character that's supposed to be funny, I think, but just had me confused with a stare.

Then the last hour of the movie is nameless transformers blowing things up. Yup. The end, that's the movie. Alright, I stalled getting into the storyline details long enough, I'll get into it.

So Sam after searching for a hour, gets a accounting job, which eventually leads him to meet Deep Wong, which brings him back into relevance with the Autobots. All the while the Autobots learn of a ship on the Dark side of the moon that was lost, carrying a super secret device which turns out to be a super teleporter. Taking their ship up their, they retrieve the teleportation rods and Sentinel Prime, former leader of the autobots, who by the way for, some, reason, was modeled after Shaun Connery!


Looks just like him right? Alas, he's revived with the power of the Autobots Matrix of Leadership, since that's the only thing that can revive a deceased Transformer! Except for the all Spark. Which also works for killing living Transformers. Moving on.

They recap Cybertrons destruction, and the Decepticons begin terminating their human collaborators, leading Deep Wong to tell Sam the Decepticons knew about the crashed ship on the moon, and wanted to Autobots to fetch it. After that, filler filler filler, get the crazy CIA guy and Sam back into the plot, Sam's girlfriend gets on about her soldier brother and the generic "I don't want you to get hurt so I'm leaving you" speech,Sam treats his former boss like crap, the same way the head military hag treated him (IRONY!) nothing happens, Shaun Connery AKA Sentinel Prime betrays the autobots, gives Spock speech about the needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few, and leaves.

With the Shaun Connery Autobot, the Decepticons can use the Hyperspace gates to summon hundreds of Decepticons to earth, leading the government to tell the Autobots to GTFO, which they comply to. Sam Protests saying the Autobots don't have a way to leave earth... wait what? How did the first set of autobots get to Earth, the second wave of autobots get to Earth, and how did they get to the moon if they didn't have the means to get to earth? Also, do they need a ship? As I recall, right after being revived, without a ship, Megatron bolted to the moon in the last movie. Anyway moving on, that line and Sam's place in the plot is pointless as the autobots remember they have a ship which they used to get there in the first place, and are using it to leave.

Oh and Sam's a Decepticon spy since his idiot girlfriend went and got caught. Of course the Autobots don't disclose their intimate plan and details to him since why the fuck should they tell their secret plans to a guy in his late 20's playing a "kid" who's graduated from college and often gets called a teenager?

So Decepticons blow up the autobots ship with surprising ease.Really, if their ships cant survive the basic gunfire from a Deception, when the Transformers can often survive a blast to the face, no wonder the Autobots lost the war for Cybertron. After that everything goes to shit, decepticons begin killing off humans wildly and arming the main Hypespace gate thing, to teleport Cybertron into the earths atmosphere, destroying Earth. No wait, to use the human population to reconstruct technology way beyond even the smartest understanding, in cities a hundred times bigger than theirs. I mean, you'd use ants to build a skyscraper, wouldn't you?


I'll admit, despite the story taking a heads dive further down, not to say it hasn't been doing so since the first scene of the movie, it at least gets interesting because the action we been waiting the entire movie for begins in full throttle, pretty much nonstop for the remaining hour, of the 2 and a half hour long movie. Yes in this 150minute long movie, over half of the movie was devoted to Sam shitface's whining about people not worshiping him, how awesome he is, treating everyone like shit, and exposition. Why there's exposition in a movie with a story that exists just to get to the action? I'll never know.

The autobots reveal they faked their death, we spend 20 minutes watching Sam shithead and some army buddies try to shoot down the beacon, for 10 seconds, then spend the next 20 minutes sliding back and forward a collapsing building. Glad to see even when we finally get to the action, nearly half of it is spent on a pointless scene that means nothing, and shows shitty action. Meanwhile, Optimus Prime despite having been headed towards the beacon long before anyone else, is nowhere to be seen, we're stuck watching quick scenes of other transformers fighting, and Sam playing on his seesaw falling building.


Speaking of Seesaws, I miss those things hardcore. I been revisiting old playgrounds that had them from my youth, and to my surprise, they're nowhere to be found. Have seesaws been deemed too dangerous? Parent's are most likely afraid their kids will get catapulted away, la sigh.

Sorry, off topic, Seesaws was the most fun to remember and write part of this article. I need to find a new one someday. So Shaun Connery Autobot (Sentinel Prime) all the while acts like a idiot and how no idea what his quotes that Michael Bay is ripping off means, and says it anyway. What I want to know is, where does he get off saying '"The Needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few."? I could write another article on just why the Shaun Connery Autobot is an idiot, but I'll just sum it up with this perspective. Including Decepticons, there's only a few hundred Transformers left. Its been established in the last movie they cannot procreate any longer and are a dying species. There are billions of humans. How does a few hundred transformers needs constitute the needs of the many?

Also, who the fuck shot down Sentinel Prime's Ship? He was defecting to the Decepticons but if a Decepticon shot it down, you'd think Megatron would angrily mention it, and the Autobots had no clue he was defecting. So what the shit?

Anyway all the unrecognizable transformers and all the known decepticon's are getting killed off. Sam Shithead of all people uses his hookshot on Starscreams eye, causing him to thrash and toss Sam around blindly, somehow not freaking killing him, giving him the opening to put a bomb in his other eye and there goes Starscream. Rest in pieces.


Sam's girlfriend proceeds to call Megatron Shaun Connery Autobot's bitch, causing him to go on a hissy fit, stop him from dealing the death blow to Optimus Prime, and proceeds to get his ass kicked by Optimus before biting the dust. Shaun Connery Autobot, wounded and begging before Mercy, Optimus Executes him. Well, that was surprisingly cold for a supposed hero. With that, the movie has its happy ending. Score time.

Characters: 1/10
What is it with movies these days, pitchinig out the most obnoxious and unlikable cast of characters as possible? There were no redeeming characters in this entire movie except Optimus Prime, but for someone supposed to be a good and virtuous hero, he coldblooded murders Shaun Connery Autobot in the end.
Plot: 1/10
There's nothing wrong with a plot being solely to set up for action scenes, but there is something wrong if that extends over half of a over 2 hour long movie, and does nothing but fuel your hate for the main cast. Sorry, but I did not enjoy Sam's wacky every day life, listening to his narcissistic drivel as he searches for a job.
Fun Factor: 3/10
The movie is just plain painful to watch for more than half, with the final half being decently fun once the action FINALLY begins. Unfortunately, that's less than half the movie, and the fact getting there was so obscenely painful, it just takes away from it. This is not something to watch if you just want a good action flick as it takes too long getting to the damn point.
Directing & Casting: 4/10
For directing, the only saving grace is Michael Bays sure knows how to make a action scene. For casting, while I did enjoy some of the actors, after this I honestly hope I never see some of the actors again. Also Rosie Huntington-Whiteley was such a piss poor choice, her acting was bad, her accent was obnoxious, and I rather never have to see her again in a lead role. Thank god this is the only movie she's in.
Overall: 2/10
Again, like Superman returns, this is one of those "Must watch" movies out there. This is exceptionally sad as the only saving grace of this movie was the budget, that sets it apart from B-Movies such as Transmorphers. How often do you see a cheap knock off of a movie, that's actually better?

These were the two movies that I really just needed to get off my chest in explicit detail, alas, unsure if I'll find anymore movies that upsets me to the extent that these did, that I had to write a whole article on why they're bad, and shouldn't of been such a success, be we shall see.

If you enjoyed that review, you can Click Here to see what else I've written about!
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